Walk Out

“Escape.

Walk out.

Like someone suddenly

born into color.

Do it now.”

– Rumi

 

 

One month ago, I reached my funding goal on Kickstarter to walk across Finland, retracing the steps of a 90-year-old woman, and write about my trek.  Shortly thereafter, I quit my job, moved out of my apartment in the Headlands and into the city, cut off and donated my hair, and tried to brace myself for the changes and challenges ahead.

Last week, my cousin Chelsea wanted to know how I was doing.  “Do you feel good about where this is headed, or are you nervous?” she asked.

Bloody hell Chelsea, that is a loaded question.

Admittedly, I have been trying to keep my project a little bit under wraps.  I don’t like to talk about it in my immediate circles, because my friends are all very interesting people in their own right and surely don’t want to be burdened with breaking news stories from my gmail inbox.  Dutch Ambassador to Finland Writes to Jenny in a Facebook Message!  Journalists from Lapland Contact Jenny About A Newspaper Article!  Director of Finnish National Parks Wants to Collaborate in Lemmenjoki!  Documentary Filmmaker Wants to Find Petronella Too!

I don’t like to tell new people I meet about it, because when I do I am invariably met with an image of myself that is completely out of proportion.   “Oh my gawd, that is SO COOL!  Can you BE any cooler?!” they’ll exclaim, and I’ll look on hopelessly as I get demoted from Jenny the Human (who is irrationally afraid of falling through sidewalk grates, has a weakness for goat cheese, likes the smell of her own bellybutton, stinks at math and baseball, and is trying to learn how to let herself be vulnerable in love…among plenty of other faults) to A List of Cool Things That Jenny Has Done.

But truth be told, despite my radio silence, I wake up every morning and think to myself, “Holy shit! I just dreamed the wildest thing I could dream, and now it’s coming true,”  and then spend a few moments breathing in the wonder of it all.  Of course I have plenty of moments of self-doubt, plenty of moments where I realize that I have just told the world I am going to walk across Finland and write a book about it (both of which I have never done before), inspired by a 90-year-old woman who is often sick, who sometimes forgets who her daughter is and talks at the rate of melting cheese.

But more often than not, the inside of my heart feels something like this:

S63504-30

The truth, my dear Chelsea, is that I am living right out on the edge of my comfort zone somewhere between terror and elation, and it is so mind-crushingly beautiful that sometimes it brings me to my knees.

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5 Comments on “Walk Out

  1. The edge of your comfort zone is fertile ground for growth and self-discovery. Not too long ago, I remember you told me, “I know you’ll figure it out, I find that people usually do when they follow their hearts”. I know you’ll figure it all out, too! ❤ you!

    • Hi Jenny, I would love to have you and our cousins come to the east bay for dinner one evening to hear about your “expotition” (as Christopher Robin would say when planning to go to the North Pole with Winnie-the-Pooh). I, like many other of your friends and relations have a bizzilion questions and I hope you’ll not mind answering a few and just tell your story and have a good time. I would like to also have my nephew present who recently finished the Pacific Crest Trail…he walked from the Mexico/CA border to the State of Washington. Maybe epic walking is a genetic thing…in our DNA and what DNA was in Petronella to envision and take on her trek? Anyway, I say, “be yourself” its the only person you can be. Love & wishes, Joan Suflita

      P.S. “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”― Neale Donald Walsch

  2. We are here following you, step by step, supporting you and breathing the same breath of your dream that came true. I am really looking forward meeting in Lapland sometime in summer, to share in person that feeling! As a goldpanner and a traveller I really admire what you are going to do.

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